My name is kris

I feel comfortable referring to myself as a recreationist.

I do it as a profession, 24/7.

Whether I want to, or not. My brain is constantly recreating.

I am currently unable to manage this continuous recreation. So I’ve settled at- it is stronger than me- until I find something more accurate to describe how or why it transcends me. I don’t necessarily have to understand why, because it is why I recognize my distinct existence as distinct, while simultaneously recognizing that I am intertwined with the whole. My recreation process is impacted by ideas, words, imagery, my personal experience, along with many more factors, and it is different than others’. If I am without it, I am without what makes me, me. We are all differing and simultaneously, we are all one. The way we recreate what we receive is impacted by our individual witness and more. It’s an infinite loop. Everything, I am, my thoughts, my body. All of it is a recreation of my understanding of it. Maybe that is the step I must rid myself of before I can truly be united with all things objectively rather than subjectively. Letting this continuous recreation occur, may be another distraction, exhausting me, and I wonder, is it fulfilling me?

Perhaps, instead of attempting to mentally recreate everything I wish to understand presently, I could just not attempt to recreate it within my individual capacity/ narrative (because that in itself limits it to my witness, and therefore inhibits its entirety, limiting it to a form of implicit cognitive bias). I could just not allow ideas to go through my personal filter, and simply receive them, as they are.

I’m constantly dizzy with exploration, but also nauseous with an eternal presence.

Welcome to the Self search I am undergoing.

Welcome to where every definition is a flux.

I am afraid of the quickness at which my brain jumps.

The teleportation I undergo.

I accept it though. Here is where I attempt to manage it. Here is my authentic journey to mastering my own mind.
———

If money’s been all you’ve exchanged, you’ve exchanged nothing.
— Kristie